I don’t know if it is postpartum depression or just the sheer exhaustion of this whole ordeal that has gotten to me. The past 2 days have been hard. Seeing the babies has been great. I like when it is just Tadd and I sitting by the incubator being able to talk to them. No one really bothers us and the nurses will give little helpful suggestions to help us bond with them. It is the leaving them and coming home when it goes downhill. The act of slowly walking back to the car and then realizing how far away they are from me when I get home is tough. We live less than 10 minutes from the hospital but it is not like being down the hallway. I’m not a big crier but I find little things will cause me to tear up. Eating feels like a hassle because it takes energy to chew. This sounds dumb but other people talking is starting to put me on edge. I probably just need to sleep more or spend some time in a isolation tank! (In case you’re wondering I was discharged from the hospital yesterday)
I have been pumping about every 3 hours. It isn’t so bad during the day but it is brutal at night, especially when the alarm goes off and I had been in a deep sleep. Tadd tells me to wake him up so he can help set up the pump or wash everything out when I’m done but I hate to wake him. I only pump for 15 minutes but the act of setting up pumping, storing the milk, washing everything, etc can make it take 1/2 an hour. The first time I saw this in a pregnancy catalog I was making fun of it. Tadd picked one up for me yesterday and I have changed my tune. 15 minutes feels like a long time when both of your hands are holding onto the pump, but hands free I can check my email or read and it goes by much quicker. Like I have said before my body has risen to the challenge of milk production. Unfortunately it missed the memo that I had 2 and not a whole army. Yesterday the NICU told me to stop bring in milk because they have so much of mine stored. I’m getting like 6-8 ounces every time I pump (8 times a day). The lactation consultant said she would give me the info for the milk bank if I was willing to donate once I get past the preemie milk. The human body is so amazing. For the first month your body knows the babies came too early so the milk will be higher in protein and calories. The hard part is eating enough food to keep up with all this milk makin! It has also really lowered my insulin requirements. I have taken advantage of the situation and have eaten things I normally don’t; like french toast.
My mom went home today, again that made me sad. I feel like I can vent to her about anything, even if I’m being unreasonable and she just listens. She made a wonderful meal and Tamie and Jim came over last night. I drank a small glass of wine and tried to relax. When it was time to go to bed I noticed the toilet in our bathroom was acting funny so I had Tadd look at it. Well the damn thing overflowed everywhere. I rushed and got a mop and paper towels. Tadd told me to leave it alone he didn’t want me to clean any of it so he did it all himself. There went my slightly relaxed state. By the time it was cleaned up and the floor mopped (Thank God it was just water and not sewer water) and we both took showers I was exhausted. Just enough time to sleep for 1 hour then get up and pump. Then this morning the kitchen sink backed up! Tadd mentioned that we spent more nights in the hospital then at our new place. Tadd’s dad Jim took care of it and called the plumber while we went to the NICU this morning to meet with the neonatologist. Turns out there had been some type of blockage in the main line, probably from before we moved in. fun, fun, fun
I woke up this morning shivering so bad that my teeth started to chatter. Tadd’s first thought was that I had an infection and rushed to check my temperature (I was fine). Then I got into a panic and made Tadd call the NICU to check on the twins. Both of them had good nights. I swear it is sleep deprivation….
UPDATES:
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Loen: Loen got her PICC line inserted with no problem today. Her nurse Anne is a wiz with the PICC’s, she was the one who got Derby’s in also. They pulled the umbilical lines which meant they also had to have tiny IV’s started too. They need to have enough access lines for all of the different drugs, TPN and blood they are getting. Her WBC is now 28,000 and there hasn’t been a shift to the left which is good. They moved their isolets so now they are right next to each other. It is nice to have them close, before they were at opposite ends of the room.
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Derby: He had to get another blood transfusion. The nurse said he is now “topped off” and his color looks good.He had a good night but was being pretty lazy when we were in to visit. His blood pressure was a little low and he was riding the vent. The nurse said not to worry about it though.
Some of the main things the neonatologist said this morning was that their chest xrays have been “beautiful” and there is no evidence of any cranial bleeding with either twin. He said to be prepared that they are going to start going down soon. While they are surviving outside of the womb their body is still too immature to deal with much, that is just the way it goes. They aren’t going to start oral feeds yet. The twins xrays show they have no air in their intestines, which means nothing is moving down there. They still haven’t passed meconium and they were going to give them both enemas to help with that. No air means they aren’t swallowing (which is hard considering they have tubes down their throats), therefore no peristalsis. It is a fine line because they would do better getting oral feeds but once they start it opens a whole new slew of problems like necrotizing enterocolitis They also talked about taking them off the ventilator to see how they will do. He said it is more than likely they will have to be reintubated but they need to give them a chance to breathe on their own. Occasionally a baby does well and doesn’t need to go back on the vent but not often this early. One problem is they cant do both things. If they start oral feeds they wont tolerate being off the ventilator. Take them off the vent and they wont tolerate the oral feeds. So a lot of stuff is coming up. I feel scared waiting, we have been so lucky this week and it hurts to know it wont last. That the emotional roller coaster has been climbing upwards but that the plunge is just around the corner.
Last night the twins were turned down to just one bilirubin light each. So the nurses took off their hats and little eye masks so we could finally get a good look at them. They are so beautiful.
Loen:
Finally a mini group shot. I wasn’t ready for this picture, I thought the nurse was still figuring out how to use our camera. Wouldn’t you know it this was the only shot that came out (we cant use a flash in the NICU so lots of pictures come out blurry):
Loen’s foot:
“Family” shot (Loen’s incubator is in the left hand corner of this picture. You can see her little whale on her incubator)
Derby and Tadd:
Derby’s feet:
I’m off to pump, then we’re heading to the NICU to tell the babies goodnight……
18 responses so far ↓
1 Tracie and John // Oct 29, 2007 at 8:19 pm
The babies are beautiful, all that hair, just like mom’s.
They get stronger everyday as do both of you.
What a wonderful family you have.
Love, Aunt T and
UJ
2 Lori // Oct 29, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Hi Hava. and Tadd - - I hope you and the bebes are having a good night… thanks for the entry and know that we are all still praying and caring, and if you don’t say a thing to me when I meet you again, at least I’ll know why
Stay well.
3 Hatchet // Oct 29, 2007 at 11:21 pm
Hang in there Hava!
Just so you know, the way you’re feeling is NORMAL. Normal, normal, normal. You have every right to feel exhausted: your body has and is working hard. I’m so glad you’re on the upswing of the rollercoaster ride.
Remember this part well. Your children are lovely and truly fighters.
Strength!
4 Chris & Jen Van Norwick // Oct 30, 2007 at 4:57 am
Just read your updates today on the website. Jen and I have been praying for you and your family since Tadd’s email went out. It truly is amazing the strength something so little can have. Hang in there.
5 CINDY // Oct 30, 2007 at 5:45 am
HI HAVA
YOU ARE SO NORMAL. ACTUALLY YOU ARE AMAZING TO BE DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING. I WOULD STILL BE IN MY BATH ROBE. THE BABIES LOOK GREAT. I REALLY ENJOY YOUR DAILY REPORTS. I AM ALWAYS THINKING OF YOU BOTH WITH THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.
TAKE CARE
6 Joe & Christiane // Oct 30, 2007 at 6:34 am
Hava-
Like another person said, what you are experiencing is very NORMAL. Your body has been through a lot and your hormones are going crazy. I think it took me several weeks before I stopped having those random breakdowns and crying spells. (Joe would probably argue that I’m still not normal
)
Hang in there - your kiddos sure are sweet!
-Christiane
7 Don // Oct 30, 2007 at 6:39 am
Hi
Great to hear things are going as well as they are. I talk to Tamie a couple time a day. She likes being closer to you and the twins. I think she was feeling helpless and a little guilty by not being there. It’s great to read the updates.
Love,
Don
8 Dee, Andy, Matt, Andrew, & John // Oct 30, 2007 at 7:09 am
Well Hava, if it makes you feel any better, most people talking to me put me on edge, and I’m not postpartum (peri-menopausal perhaps, but not postpartum!). I checked out the bustier . . . I’ve never seen anything like it. You always manage to make me laugh! Get some rest. The stress and lack of sleep are hard on you. We love you and continue to pray for you and the bebes. XOXO
9 Sallie // Oct 30, 2007 at 7:18 am
Hi
The babies are beautiful.
We wish all of you the best.
Our prayers are said eyeryday for you.
Leon may have some of her Grandma Tamie in her–she always wants her way. HA HA
SALLIE and SCOTT
10 Andrea // Oct 30, 2007 at 8:23 am
Hi Hava,
I think you are already a supermom! You and the babies look great! You guys continue to be in my thoughts and prayers everyday. About the crying, let it all out, it feels so much better when you do. It’s all so normal what you are going through and it feels like it was yesterday for me. Hang in there and be strong. Love, Andrea
11 Beth // Oct 30, 2007 at 8:30 am
Hi Tadd & Hava,
This is Tadd’s long lost cousin, Beth, in Florida. Aunt Tamie sent me the link to your website & Nanny always gives me updates when I talk to her.
The babies are both so beautiful. I pray that they will continue to do well & that one I will get to introduce them to my little girl, Kailey.
Love to all of you,
b
12 Holly Maudsley // Oct 30, 2007 at 10:46 am
Hi Hava,
Don’t get rid of your milk! You’ll need it later when your milk slows down. My MIL bought us an extra freezer just for breastmilk, and it was full at one point. DS eventually drank it all! You’re welcome to the freezer if you’d like it.
Holly
13 Brandy Regan // Oct 30, 2007 at 11:14 am
You are a milking machine. Nicely done! I could barely get anything half the time. Love seeing the babies and watching every milestone. They are incredibly adorable!
Brandy
14 Andy // Oct 30, 2007 at 11:24 am
Hava, your babies are beautiful, like you. I know you know this but just keep in mind that the hormones are flying right now so things will upset you that would not normally. Also, you probably know more about the medical aspects of this than is good for you. Cottage has a wonderful NICU. There are great and caring people watching you babies. You haven’t been lucky, there’s no such thing. You’ve been blessed. There are a lot of people praying out there and nobody is stopping. Finally, I just spoke with the home inspector 5 minutes ago and he said he was intently looking for big problems at the condo and couldn’t find any. The plumbing issues should soon be something you remember only dimly . If my math is right, the closing is 11/14. That’s 16 days. So take it easy. Let Tadd do everything he can. He feels better when he thinks he’s helping (all guys do, I think it’s genetic). The boys ask about you all the time but we are holding them at bay until you feel better. I figure between Tadd, his buddies, the boys, Dee and me, we can get you set up in the new place while you are eating lunch at Carl’s Jr. or something. Since you aren’t eating much but you should be, this might be a good time for that $6 Western Bacon Cheeseburger you’ve always wanted. Love to all four of you, Andy
15 Grandma Lavon // Oct 30, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Won’t be long and your twins will be going everywhere with you. I’m looking forward to when you and Tadd bring them to your mom’s for a visit. Love you & your sweet babies.
16 helen // Oct 30, 2007 at 3:40 pm
just me, my kids are older but everything you are felling is ok . twins are sooooo cute. hang thing will be ok. everyone is praying for you helen
17 chad and kristen demura // Oct 30, 2007 at 5:42 pm
My friends once told me that stored breast milk is like liquid gold. You can deep freeze it for months. I loved having it as a back up. We know it must be difficult with the twins at the hospital and you two sleeping at home. We pray for their health every day. Children are a gift from God; they are his reward. psalm 127:3
love, chad and kristen
18 iain // Oct 30, 2007 at 11:22 pm
Personally I think you should make as much milk as possible…they’re going to need every ounce of strength if they hope to survive Uncle Iain’s One-Man Amusement Park of Cheap Thrills. All the classics that you guys have grown so fear- er, fond of are ready to go - “Steamroller”, “The Hot Lava Monster”, “Windmill” and of course, “Rocket Launcher”. Me and lil’ Iain have been working on a new ride I developed called “Skys the Limit”…should be perfected by the time Derby and Loen come home.
p.s. Would you like a nice cowbell from Oakdale to wear around your neck?
p.p.s. When do you think you’ll teach Loen to say - “Form of …A Panther!” and Derby to say “Form of…A Bucket of Water”?
p.p.p.s i love you - bro
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